‘On the Couch’ – The Com Newspaper. Bali – Indonesia Dear Brian,I have followed ‘On the Couch’ since the first edition of The Com, and have wanted to write to you for weeks. I have lived in Bali for almost ten years now. I went through a painful divorce just before coming here and I must admit I thought at the time that I would never again enter into another serious relationship with a man. Well, that lasted for quite some time but then to my surprise I met the most charming men I have ever met in my life. He is kind, loving, respectful and considerate but, and here’s the problem, not only is he Balinese, he is also more than twenty years younger than me. When I first told my friends about him we all thought it as a bit of a joke, you know, the older American woman with the toy boy handbag. I was very cautious at first, but as I got to know him better and came to appreciate his qualities, I began to feel seriously attracted tohim. Yes, he’s much younger than me, and yes of course we come from totally different cultures, but we’ve been together now for almost two years and I can say without a doubt it is the most fulfilling relationship I have ever had in my life. He’s a wonderful man; but I’m beginning to feel ostracized by my friends and family. Not only do some of them avoid me, but my own children were horrified when I told them I was living with a much younger Balinese man. People stare at us if we walk hand in hand on the beach and I tend to stay away from places if I know there will be a lot of Westerners there. I seldom have friends over for dinner anymore because I know that some of them are thinking he’s just with me for the money or security, but that simply is not the case. He’s wood carver and he’s a proud, decent man and he’s proven that to me repeatedly. I’m feeling more and more isolated and ultimately I’m afraid it will affect our relationship. What can I do? Please don’t make a joke of my problem, Anon…………………………..DearAnon, thanks for your letter, it takes courage to ask for help and I understand your need for anonymity. As for making a joke of it, your dilemma actually intrigues me as there is clearly more to the dynamic than first meets the eye. The more common situation here in Bali is of course that of the older man with the young, local beauty on his arm. That situation can draw stares and comments too, but for whatever reason in the Western mind (male at least) it appears that it is far more acceptable than your situation. Recently a business acquaintance of mine was horrified when a mutual friend announced she was considering marrying a Javanese man some 20 years her junior. When I pointed out to him that his own wife was almost 25 years younger than himself he protested; “But I’m a man, it’s a completely different situation!” I tried to make a joke of it, suggesting that perhaps he was jealous because as an accountant he would be aware that 25 would go into 60 more times than 60 would go into 25, but that only annoyed him further. Nothing I could say had the ability to sway him and off he went off still convinced that she was disgracing the whole of western womanhood! With this type of ingrained prejudice being so prevalent, it is easy to see how irrational the debate can sometimes become. Don’t be too concerned about the opinions of others; you are well and truly into the category of ‘consenting adults’. If you were to look behind the masks of the people who are criticizing you the most, you would almost certainly find they are having difficulty resolving their own relationship problems or sexual hang ups and are merely projecting their unresolved ‘shadows’ out in your direction. One of the other aspects of your problem is your children. This is frequently a much more difficult dilemma. For whatever reason our offspring’s, (no matter what age) tend view their parent’s nocturnal activities with absolute horror! They would probably prefer it if you entered a Nunnery where they could be assured of your continued celibacy and chastity rather than you meeting a virile young man who obviously finds you an attractive woman. Follow your heart, Anon. If you have found peace and love with your partner you are indeed one of the luckier ones amongst us, would you seriously consider letting that go just to please a few neurotic ‘friends’ or to placate the unreasonable expectations of your children? No, of course you wouldn’t, why should you? Don’t be afraid to enjoy your life. Do not allow the negativity of a few envious people to destroy something that appears worthwhile. Mix with the Balinese people more, they have yet to achieve the hypocrisy of sophistication. Follow your bliss. Enjoy your relationship. It may last for another year or forever, who knows. Good Luck. Brian O’Raleigh, is an author, motivational speaker, poet, and workshop leader. He conducts ‘Master Mind – Empower Spirit’ workshops in Australia, Bali and elsewhere in both the private and corporate sectors helping people and companies discover passion, purpose and prosperity in their everyday lives. His best selling book: ‘The Boy in the Boat’ and also his latest work: ‘Passage to Inis Mor’ can be reviewed free of charge on brianoraleigh.com or purchased on line through lulu.com Brian lives in Bali and can be contacted on Ph. +62.817.4714.674 or email: brianoraleigh@hotmail.com
January 24, 2010 at 11:41 am (Uncategorized)
Hi Brian, I’ve been reading your column and I’ve got a problem too. I’m a chef at a pretty fancy restaurant here (boring!) but I get really good money so it’s a hard job to leave. I’m married, and I love my wife, but things have been going downhill for the past year or so. When we first came to Bali I thought it would be a cool place to live while we got the deposit together for a house in Aust, but that seems to have gone by the board, and all I do now is eat, sleep, drink, and work. I’m totally burnout out as a chef, I hate the job, but I have no idea what I’d do if I threw it in. We have to stay for at least another two years to buy a house, but I’m not sure that our marriage can last that long. We’re arguing a lot, mostly after I’ve had a few drinks, and I know I get angry too quickly. My wife says it’s like living with Jeckle and Hyde, she never knows who’s coming through the door at night. Sometimes it’s ok, but other nights I go a bit insane, raving on about how much I hate the restaurant and criticizing everyone. I’m not an alcoholic; I just get a bit crazy at times. What do you think, do I need help? John Doe.
Dear John, thanks for your letter, and whether you know it or not you identified the problem in your opening line, ‘the jobs boring but the moneys so good it’s hard to leave!’ The truth is that you’re working at a job that you hate and it’s starting to affect both your mind and your marriage; but to put that into perspective, you’re not alone. In Germany for example, a recent study found that over 800,000 Germans took pills at work to help them cope with their jobs, 47% of men and 41% of women suffer severe emotional stress at work, leading to health problems, and an estimated 30% to 50% of the workforce are affected by stress related ‘burnout’. In Japan the term ‘Kiroshi’ is used to describe people actually dropping dead on the job as a direct result of their workplace conditions, and, perverse as it may seem, that’s considered by many Japanese to be an honourable death! So what happens to people closer to home that spend their lives working at jobs they hate? Well, in your words, they go a little crazy! You also referred to the movie; Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde, a story about a man who attempts to investigate his own dark side; (his Shadow to use the Jungian term) but that’s a difficult thing to do without help. The Shadow is one of the most misunderstood and powerful aspects of the human mind, that part of us all that lies hidden in the darker recesses of the subconscious, often totally unknown yet capable of disrupting our lives in sudden, destructive bursts of energy that leaves us, and those around us, baffled. Our Shadows contain all of those barely conscious aspects of ourselves that we dislike, or find impossible to accept, all the dark secrets we still cannot admit to, even to ourselves. These energies often lie dormant and festering for years before exploding outwards in self-destructive behaviours that can ruin friendships, destroy careers, and leave us wondering who we actually are at times. But if we continue to suppress these powerful emotions, inevitably we will be forced to pay the price. Compulsive obsessive behaviours, all kinds of addictions, drink, drugs etc, irrational rages and mood swings, are common symptoms of a Shadow out of control. What is less known about the Shadow is that it also contains and conceals many of our most positive qualities, often relegated to the subconscious in our formative years. The good news is that these suppressed parts frequently contain our creativity, our ‘gifts’ and what Sigmund Freud called, Das wunderkind, the wonder child, which in turn holds the key to our authentic selves and our ‘Calling.’ It’s clear from your letter that your wife is bearing the brunt of the suppressed rage you’re experiencing as a result of working at a career you hate. You’re saving for a house in Australia, but who will live there? Even if your marriage survives the next few years, the damage done in that time could be irrevocable. My friend, you have your priorities back to front. Take stock and consider what’s important to you. Your career as a chef is over, yet you’re putting a job you loath ahead of your wife and your future together. Is that love? My advice to you would be to put in your resignation immediately. Give them a months notice and move on. You need to make amends to your wife, telling her that you’ve been an Ass….. and you’re sorry is not enough, she already knows that. Take her away for a month’s holiday to the Gillies, be good to her, try to restore the trust. You’re obviously a young couple; find out what you really want to do with your lives. You could work with a Life Coach to find what gifts reside within the positive aspect of your ‘shadow’. Once that’s clear, then follow your heart. Study if you need to, but don’t squander your life and you love at a job you have no interest in at all. Call me if you need to. Good luck. Brian O’Raleigh.
Quote of The Day
December 31, 2008 at 2:54 am (Quote of The Day)
One learns by doing a thing; for though you think you know it, there is no certainty until you try.
Sophocles
